Chapter 26: See the Good in Yourself

            One early spring day, I was cleaning the winter off of some outside window panes when I heard someone singing in Spanish. Our neighbor had a construction worker repairing their chimney and he, with earbuds in his ears, was singing along to the radio with gusto: “Me llamo Victor. Soy guapo; soy muy, muy, muy, muy guapo.” I speak enough Spanish to understand and mentally translated: “I call myself Victor. I'm handsome, very, very, very, very handsome.” When the song finished, he yelled: “Soy guapo; soy inteligente (I am smart); soy simpático (I am nice); soy fuerte (I am strong.)
            Richard, my husband, is another person who sees good in the world beginning with himself. After he mows the lawn, he looks out the window many times in the next few days, smiling and enjoying how good the lawn looks. He is also an artist and follows the same pattern. After he completes a painting, he puts it on an easel in the living room, turns on all the lights and sits down to enjoy his work. Seeing good in yourself is foundational to seeing good in the world.
            I don't go around shouting positive affirmations to the skies as the workman did or surveying my accomplishments with relish as Richard does. What I do, mostly on a subconscious level, is have an inner conversation with myself all day every day. Thoughts such as, "Well, that could have gone better," or "I should have been quicker to put two and two together," or I'm really happy that turned out so well." I think I'm pretty normal in my honest self-evaluations, and I mostly try to keep my self-talk positive because I know self talk defines who I am and creates my reality. “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).
            I decided to do a little Internet research on the subject, which is so easy to do these days. I read some articles and learned that "Even though people claim to hold themselves in high regard, the thoughts that spontaneously occur to them—their “mental chatter,” so to speak—is mostly (up to 70%) negative" (Psychology Today). I saw articles comparing negative self-talk or mental chatter to a runaway train. (Runaway trains cause great damage.) Reading more, I ran into a new phrase, "self-bullying." I wondered, "Are there really people who self-bully?" How awful. My negative self-talk is definitely not that dire. My self-talk fits the definition: "The expression of thoughts or feelings which are counter-productive and have the effect of demotivating oneself." I know for a fact that if I give space to the negative, it multiplies and pushes out the positive, which is time-wasting and motivation-sapping. I am sorry that anyone's self-talk could be classified as self-bullying, which seems extreme, even pathological.
            As I was thinking about my ratio of positive to negative self-talk, in my mind I saw a visual of the yellow blob named Pac-Man, one of the first video games. Pac-Man is shaped like a pizza with one piece missing. The missing piece is its mouth. In my mind I saw Pac-Man as an energy source frantically and with strategy, consuming the other pieces on the screen. I saw that if I let a negative-energized Pac-Man loose in my brain, it would systematically gobble up positive energy. But if I think of my Pac-Man as a positive energy source, it can consume any negative thoughts that are roaming at large in my brain. I choose who gobbles up whom.
           In real life, I think a major portion of my positive energy comes when I acknowledge the Source from whence the good in me comes. Our Father in Heaven gives life, intellect, energy, talent, and tools to repair chimneys, to sing, to cut lawns, to paint paintings. Acknowledging Him for His goodness and blessings is a positive. I receive more positive energy when I look for the good in His other children. Even more positivity comes when I not only notice but verbalized. As I give honest, sincere, and respectful compliments, I feel better about me, and hopefully, the persons I compliment feel better about themselves.
            The concept of complimenting seems simple enough: When you give compliments freely and generously, both receiver and giver feel better about their places in the world. Words associated with compliments are: genuine, meaningful, elevating, relationship-building. Compliments are good but not all created equal. Some have more positive effect than others. Compare the generic: “You gave a good talk” to the specific: “Thanks for sharing your experience of being lost and likening it to sheep. I liked the analogy."
           Compliments mean more if they focus on aspects of a person over which he/she has control. If you compliment physical features—face, hair, body shape—the compliment is less helpful than complimenting a person’s hard work, determination, thoughtfulness. Compare the physical compliment to a child: “You have a cute nose to the more substantive" to “I noticed the kind way you helped your sister finish her homework.” Complimenting a child for being smart yields fewer benefits than complimenting him/her for learning a skill, creatively solving a problem, or finishing a project. “Soy Guapo” focuses on good looks, but the worker also gave himself more substantive affirmations about being intelligent, strong, and nice.
          Compliments, like a steak, can be over and under done. Neither satisfies. Under-complimenting occurs when the good things you notice about others are left unsaid, which the Bible counsels against: “Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it” (Proverbs 3:27). President Ezra Taft Benson said: “Withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another is a form of pride ("Beware of Pride"). Over-complimenting comes when the good you see in another person is overstated for the purpose of manipulating the person or situation. It’s called flattery. Flattery is excessive and/or insincere praise that is given to further one’s own interests. Motive is the distinction between complimenting and flattering. Compliments are sincere; flattery is deceitful. Words associated with flattery are devious, manipulative, relationship-destroying. In the Book of Mormon, Sherem, Amalakiah, and the Kingmen used flattery to gain evil control. I've also heard the phrase, "compliment bombing," which is overdoing a good thing. Too much of even a good thing is too much.
            An affirmation can be thought of as a conversation with oneself. A compliment is a type of conversation between the person giving it and person receiving it. A well-intentioned compliment can go wrong if the person receiving the compliment doesn’t accept it. The classic example is “That’s a beautiful dress” and the person responds, “What? This old rag?”
          When I came to realize that a compliment is a conversation, I got better at giving accurate, sincere compliments, and I made an effort to receive compliments in the spirit they were given. I try not to deflect the compliment, explain it away, or even worse, compliment back. Complimenting back always feels empty and insincere. What makes a compliment go right is when I smile and say: “Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.”
            Positive, sincere affirmations and compliments, given to ourselves by ourselves and to others, are foundational to seeing more good in the world and to bringing more good to the world.

(c) Marilynne Todd Linford