Chapter 6: Bad and Good Marriage Advice

            When our oldest children were approaching their teenage years, we were constantly on the lookout for ways to help them grow into responsible adults. One day I found a list of suggestions for success by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. and showed it to Richard. He agreed that the ideas seemed practical and wise and would benefit the family. So we bought the framed poster and hung it in the kitchen. We hoped by osmosis these concepts would seep into our children’s psyche and thereby help them reach their potential and have happy, successful lives.
            I especially liked number 21: Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud. Richard liked all the ones about hard work: “8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.” “10. Be a self-starter.” “19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.”
            All that was important, but our foremost desire was that our children would have happy marriages and raise righteous families, which is probably why we bought the poster. The number one suggestion reads: “Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.”
            And so life continued day by day with the “21 Suggestions for Success” hanging there on the kitchen wall right by the table. Twenty plus years passed. Most of the children were married. Grandchildren were getting into their high school years. At this point, we became aware that a couple of our children were struggling in their marriages. We thought they had married right and that we had set a good enough example. How could we help?
            One day I was talking to one of our grandsons, Kevin, (not his real name.) He told me about his favorite Boy Scout leader and how influential he was in his life. As the conversation wore on, I felt this was more than a causal conversation. I asked Kevin if the scout leader had a son his age. Kevin said, yes, and that Jordan was his best friend. I still felt there was more Kevin wanted to talk about. I asked a few more questions about the situation and then Kevin said, “Yeah. This is a really hard time for Jordan because his parents are getting divorced. I nodded in sympathy. “I’m sorry,” I said. Has Jordan’s father said anything about it? “Yes, he has.” He talked to all of us about it. He told us that we should be very careful, more careful than he was, to marry the right person.”
            It was as though a knife ripped open my heart. That was our number one rule: marry the right person. My mind raced and jumped from thought to thought. “No one purposely marries the wrong person.” “How does the right person change to the wrong person after a few years?” “Oh, no” I thought, “the suggestion to marry the right person may become an excuse to get divorced when things get hard.” “The disgruntled spouse can rationalize, that he/she didn’t choose the right person.” Also, “Marry the right person is not good marriage advice in any circumstance because it implies there is one right person.” (A topic for another day.)
            That evening, I told Richard about my conversation with Kevin. “We’ve got to fix this,” he said. We spent the evening in front of the computer, searching for better marriage advice, something to replace the “21 suggestions.” (It was really only number one that needed replacing, but it was a poster.) We wondered if it were possible to undo the error of the false teaching that had been on the wall so long? We were happy to find a 1988 conference talk by Thomas S. Monson, “Hallmarks of a Happy Home.” President Monson's quote: “Choose your love; love your choice,” answered our need.
            (There are circumstances where loving your choice is overridden by a spouse who chooses addiction, adultery, or abuse over the marriage covenant. In those circumstances, professional help is needed.)
            “That’s it,” Richard said. “We will take down the philosophy of the world and put up the words of a prophet of God.” (Of course we knew there was the possibility that not one of the children ever read the 21 suggestions, but we felt responsible to correct the misinformation regardless.)
            We made the switch and waited to see if anyone noticed. (It has been two years and only one child has mentioned it. So much for the impact of words on walls.)
            I found another opportunity to talk with Kevin. He again brought up his scout leader’s divorce. I asked what he thought about it. Kevin said, “I think he is making a big mistake. He is not very nice to his wife, and all the kids are really broken up about it. I asked, “What do you think makes the difference between a good marriage and one that ends in divorce?” “I’ve thought about that,” Kevin said. “The difference is in how my scout leader treats his wife and how my dad treats my mother.” “What’s the difference,” I asked. “My dad is nice to my mom, and she is nice right back.”

There you have it! The best marriage advice from the observations of a sixteen year old.

(c) Marilynne Todd Linford, 2018