Chapter 18: Rebuilding Relationships
Rebekah, wife of Isaac, gave birth to twin sons. “And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau. And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob.” As the boys grew, their differences grew. Esau was “a man of the field, a cunning hunter,” while Jacob was “a plain man, dwelling in tents” (Genesis 25:25-27). And their parents accentuated their sons’ differences. Isaac preferred Esau and Rebekah loved Jacob.
Because Esau was born first, although barely by minutes, he was the birthright son, the heir who would receive a double inheritance and prestige.
One day Esau came in from the field, tired and faint. He saw that Jacob had made stew and asked for some. Jacob basically said: “Sure, if you will sell me your birthright.” Esau responded impulsively: “What good is the birthright if I die from starvation?” The Bible summarizes the situation: “Thus Esau despised his birthright” (Genesis 25:34).
Later the brothers’ breach is exacerbated when Rebekah helps Jacob receive his father’s first blessing. When Esau realized what happened, he threatened Jacob who had to flee for his life. Twenty years pass and an angel commands Jacob to move back to the homeland, which required Jacob to repair his relationship with Esau. So Jacob sent a message to Esau and prepared a gift of over five hundred animals.
Watching the horizon, Jacob saw Esau coming with four hundred armed men, which he assumed were coming for revenge. “Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed” (Gen. 32:7) but did not waiver in his resolve. In an act of submission, he gathered the animals, his wives, and children and with them went to face Esau. As Jacob and Esau were moving towards each other, Jacob bowed “himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother” (Genesis 33:3). Then the brothers ran to each other, embraced, kissed, and wept together.
Looking around, Esau asked about all the animals. Jacob answered that they were a gift, implying his desire to make up for past offenses. Esau said: “I have enough, my brother; keep it for yourself.” Jacob told Esau that God has been good to him and encouraged him to receive the gift by saying, “I have enough.” Esau accepted the gift, indicating his approval of Jacob’s efforts to restore their bond of brotherhood.
The brothers both used the phrase: “I have enough,” which shows their life experiences had matured and refined them. They were willing to forgive and repair. Over time and with introspection, their bond of family had rooted and grown deep, making possible a sweet reconciliation.
“I have enough” describes physical and emotional sufficiency. Jacob and Esau were self-assured enough to risk rejection, which is always a possibility in human interactions. Jacob sent a message. Esau came. Jacob gave a gift. Esau accepted.
Jill and Susan were about the same age and had children about the same ages. Everything pointed to a close friendship between their families. But Susan disliked Jill. She wouldn’t allow her children to play with Jill’s children. She would cross the street if Jill was coming towards her. Susan even refused a Church calling that would require her to work with Jill. Jill tried and prayed for many years to soften Susan’s heart. Then an opportunity came for Jill’s family to move to a better home a few miles away.
On Jill’s last day in her home, she bought a one-foot high potted pine tree and rang Susan’s doorbell. When Susan opened the door, Jill said, “I hope, since we will still be close by, that our friendship can grow like this tree” and attempted to hand Susan the tree. Susan said, “Put it down on the porch” and closed the door. This happened twelve years ago.
Can Jill and Susan be best friends? Probably not. The only apparent hope is that their level of association can become civil, and wanting or hoping to be best friends with everyone is unrealistic. Over a lifetime, most people you know will be acquaintances. Some will be friends. Some few will be good friends. Only a precious very few will be best friends. When you have enough, you admit and accept this reality.
That being said, I have several relationships I'd like to improve. With one acquaintance, a breach occurred early on when we first met. I've written her notes and tried to engage her in conversation. Nothing has changed. I've prayed for her and keep wanting to refine and mature myself. The other relationship is with a close family member. I feel vulnerable and keep trying to think of ways to reconcile. I've tried to listen to promptings. To this point, the only thing I'm learning is how to be more patient.
Recently, Jill gave me an update on her relationship with Susan. Jill was in her neighborhood grocery store when she noticed Susan on another aisle. Susan saw her. Jill’s heart stood still as Susan walked towards her, smiled, and hugged her warmly.
The potential for rebuilding and healing is well worth the risk and the wait. It took twenty years for Jacob and Esau and twelve for Jill and Susan.
(c) Marilynne Todd Linford, 2018
Because Esau was born first, although barely by minutes, he was the birthright son, the heir who would receive a double inheritance and prestige.
One day Esau came in from the field, tired and faint. He saw that Jacob had made stew and asked for some. Jacob basically said: “Sure, if you will sell me your birthright.” Esau responded impulsively: “What good is the birthright if I die from starvation?” The Bible summarizes the situation: “Thus Esau despised his birthright” (Genesis 25:34).
Later the brothers’ breach is exacerbated when Rebekah helps Jacob receive his father’s first blessing. When Esau realized what happened, he threatened Jacob who had to flee for his life. Twenty years pass and an angel commands Jacob to move back to the homeland, which required Jacob to repair his relationship with Esau. So Jacob sent a message to Esau and prepared a gift of over five hundred animals.
Watching the horizon, Jacob saw Esau coming with four hundred armed men, which he assumed were coming for revenge. “Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed” (Gen. 32:7) but did not waiver in his resolve. In an act of submission, he gathered the animals, his wives, and children and with them went to face Esau. As Jacob and Esau were moving towards each other, Jacob bowed “himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother” (Genesis 33:3). Then the brothers ran to each other, embraced, kissed, and wept together.
Looking around, Esau asked about all the animals. Jacob answered that they were a gift, implying his desire to make up for past offenses. Esau said: “I have enough, my brother; keep it for yourself.” Jacob told Esau that God has been good to him and encouraged him to receive the gift by saying, “I have enough.” Esau accepted the gift, indicating his approval of Jacob’s efforts to restore their bond of brotherhood.
The brothers both used the phrase: “I have enough,” which shows their life experiences had matured and refined them. They were willing to forgive and repair. Over time and with introspection, their bond of family had rooted and grown deep, making possible a sweet reconciliation.
“I have enough” describes physical and emotional sufficiency. Jacob and Esau were self-assured enough to risk rejection, which is always a possibility in human interactions. Jacob sent a message. Esau came. Jacob gave a gift. Esau accepted.
Jill and Susan were about the same age and had children about the same ages. Everything pointed to a close friendship between their families. But Susan disliked Jill. She wouldn’t allow her children to play with Jill’s children. She would cross the street if Jill was coming towards her. Susan even refused a Church calling that would require her to work with Jill. Jill tried and prayed for many years to soften Susan’s heart. Then an opportunity came for Jill’s family to move to a better home a few miles away.
On Jill’s last day in her home, she bought a one-foot high potted pine tree and rang Susan’s doorbell. When Susan opened the door, Jill said, “I hope, since we will still be close by, that our friendship can grow like this tree” and attempted to hand Susan the tree. Susan said, “Put it down on the porch” and closed the door. This happened twelve years ago.
Can Jill and Susan be best friends? Probably not. The only apparent hope is that their level of association can become civil, and wanting or hoping to be best friends with everyone is unrealistic. Over a lifetime, most people you know will be acquaintances. Some will be friends. Some few will be good friends. Only a precious very few will be best friends. When you have enough, you admit and accept this reality.
That being said, I have several relationships I'd like to improve. With one acquaintance, a breach occurred early on when we first met. I've written her notes and tried to engage her in conversation. Nothing has changed. I've prayed for her and keep wanting to refine and mature myself. The other relationship is with a close family member. I feel vulnerable and keep trying to think of ways to reconcile. I've tried to listen to promptings. To this point, the only thing I'm learning is how to be more patient.
Recently, Jill gave me an update on her relationship with Susan. Jill was in her neighborhood grocery store when she noticed Susan on another aisle. Susan saw her. Jill’s heart stood still as Susan walked towards her, smiled, and hugged her warmly.
The potential for rebuilding and healing is well worth the risk and the wait. It took twenty years for Jacob and Esau and twelve for Jill and Susan.
(c) Marilynne Todd Linford, 2018
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