Chapter 35: When a Child Lies
How a mother responds when she discovers her child has lied can help the child either internalize the value of honesty or make matters worse. If Mother excuses the lie: “Oh, my sweetie didn’t mean to tell a lie. He just forgot what really happened,” she covers a lie with a lie. The other extreme is if Mother allows herself to become angry and punishes too sternly.
Another damaging reaction to a child who has been caught in a lie is for Mother to make it about herself. If she blurts out or even thinks phrases such as: “Oh, I have failed as a mother!” or “What will the neighbors think,” in time the child will realize that Mother is more concerned about her reputation than about her child’s honesty. Mother can self-check her motive by analyzing her first thoughts after learning about the lie. If she immediately sees in her mind future humiliating headlines announcing to the world that her grownup child is being sent to jail for lying, it’s all about her, but if she sees a frightened child who needs love and direction, it more about the child. Mother should remember that becoming a person of integrity is a process and that catching a child in a lie is a teaching opportunity.
If you are a young mother, you may feel inadequate and under qualified in the moment. But you are parenting a child of God and He will help you if you ask Him. You can pray for discernment to know the extent and reason for the lie. You can pray that your thoughts will to be directed to an appropriate consequence or punishment. In a calm state, your disappointment or anger will not be overwhelming. With the Holy Ghost’s help you can teach honesty with sensitivity.
The Spirit can help you empathize and sense what your child is feeling. You may recall times in your life of feeling trapped in a lie. You may be reminded of confessing to the store manager that you shoplifted. You may recall your fear when a person in authority demanded that you tell the truth when you were telling the truth as you understood it.
The Spirit can help you speak in a controlled voice with kindness in your eyes. The Spirit can help you concentrate on mitigating factors such as the child’s age and developmental stage, remembering that young children can have difficulty determining what is real and what is make believe. You can remember that older children may lie because they fear disappointing their parents or of being punished. Some children lie because they need attention. (To an attention-starved child, negative attention is better than no attention.) In a calm state you can access the nature of the lie. Was it a white lie, a lie to hide a wrongdoing, a lie to get someone else in trouble, a lie to get something that belongs to someone else, a lie to cover a lie, or a lie to see how much he or she can get away with?
Children need to know that truth has a way of surfacing, that it is better to confess before someone else tells on them. One family has an amnesty couch whereon lies can be admitted, knowing the punishment will be lighter. A poignant billboard reminds teens they will be caught. A policeman says to a teenager: “If your parents don’t catch you, I will.” You can emphasize the fact the while the child is waiting to get caught, he or she lives with guilt and fear and that lying can become very complicated. To be a successful liar, you have to have a perfect memory to keep track of every lie so as not to contradict yourself. You can also teach your children that people will not trust them if they lie.
Without meaning to, you can encourage lying by asking questions to which you already know the answer. For example, if you know your child hasn’t finished his homework, asking him if he finished his homework is setting up the opportunity to lie. A better question is: “What are your plans to get your homework, chores, or practicing done?
And, most important, of course, as with every other virtue parents hope their children will internalize, your example is crucial.
Picture the scene: The family is driving home on the evening of the Fourth of July. Suddenly they come to a place where they have an unobstructed view of several firework shows in progress. Father pulls to the shoulder of the freeway to let the family enjoyed the fireworks. Within a minute or two, Father sees red and blue lights flashing and a policeman standing next to the car window. The policeman says, “You are in the emergency lane. What is your emergency?” Father gulps and says, “I’m sorry. We have no emergency. I wanted to let the children watch the fireworks.” The policeman thanks Father for his honesty and tells him he won’t ticket him but that he must move on. Hurray for that father! How fortunate his children are to have experienced their dad’s honesty. He “lied not against the truth” (James 3:14).
Under the guidance of the Spirit and with your example, you can create a home environment of mutual love and trust. If you need a starting place to teach the subject of honesty, The Emperor’s New Clothes, Pinocchio, and The Boy Who Cried Wolf are good for children. The story of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1) is good for older children and teens.
Another damaging reaction to a child who has been caught in a lie is for Mother to make it about herself. If she blurts out or even thinks phrases such as: “Oh, I have failed as a mother!” or “What will the neighbors think,” in time the child will realize that Mother is more concerned about her reputation than about her child’s honesty. Mother can self-check her motive by analyzing her first thoughts after learning about the lie. If she immediately sees in her mind future humiliating headlines announcing to the world that her grownup child is being sent to jail for lying, it’s all about her, but if she sees a frightened child who needs love and direction, it more about the child. Mother should remember that becoming a person of integrity is a process and that catching a child in a lie is a teaching opportunity.
If you are a young mother, you may feel inadequate and under qualified in the moment. But you are parenting a child of God and He will help you if you ask Him. You can pray for discernment to know the extent and reason for the lie. You can pray that your thoughts will to be directed to an appropriate consequence or punishment. In a calm state, your disappointment or anger will not be overwhelming. With the Holy Ghost’s help you can teach honesty with sensitivity.
The Spirit can help you empathize and sense what your child is feeling. You may recall times in your life of feeling trapped in a lie. You may be reminded of confessing to the store manager that you shoplifted. You may recall your fear when a person in authority demanded that you tell the truth when you were telling the truth as you understood it.
The Spirit can help you speak in a controlled voice with kindness in your eyes. The Spirit can help you concentrate on mitigating factors such as the child’s age and developmental stage, remembering that young children can have difficulty determining what is real and what is make believe. You can remember that older children may lie because they fear disappointing their parents or of being punished. Some children lie because they need attention. (To an attention-starved child, negative attention is better than no attention.) In a calm state you can access the nature of the lie. Was it a white lie, a lie to hide a wrongdoing, a lie to get someone else in trouble, a lie to get something that belongs to someone else, a lie to cover a lie, or a lie to see how much he or she can get away with?
Children need to know that truth has a way of surfacing, that it is better to confess before someone else tells on them. One family has an amnesty couch whereon lies can be admitted, knowing the punishment will be lighter. A poignant billboard reminds teens they will be caught. A policeman says to a teenager: “If your parents don’t catch you, I will.” You can emphasize the fact the while the child is waiting to get caught, he or she lives with guilt and fear and that lying can become very complicated. To be a successful liar, you have to have a perfect memory to keep track of every lie so as not to contradict yourself. You can also teach your children that people will not trust them if they lie.
Without meaning to, you can encourage lying by asking questions to which you already know the answer. For example, if you know your child hasn’t finished his homework, asking him if he finished his homework is setting up the opportunity to lie. A better question is: “What are your plans to get your homework, chores, or practicing done?
And, most important, of course, as with every other virtue parents hope their children will internalize, your example is crucial.
Picture the scene: The family is driving home on the evening of the Fourth of July. Suddenly they come to a place where they have an unobstructed view of several firework shows in progress. Father pulls to the shoulder of the freeway to let the family enjoyed the fireworks. Within a minute or two, Father sees red and blue lights flashing and a policeman standing next to the car window. The policeman says, “You are in the emergency lane. What is your emergency?” Father gulps and says, “I’m sorry. We have no emergency. I wanted to let the children watch the fireworks.” The policeman thanks Father for his honesty and tells him he won’t ticket him but that he must move on. Hurray for that father! How fortunate his children are to have experienced their dad’s honesty. He “lied not against the truth” (James 3:14).
Under the guidance of the Spirit and with your example, you can create a home environment of mutual love and trust. If you need a starting place to teach the subject of honesty, The Emperor’s New Clothes, Pinocchio, and The Boy Who Cried Wolf are good for children. The story of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1) is good for older children and teens.
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